Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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