I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I currently don't understand fingers.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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