just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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