So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
This is not my ceiling
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
