Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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