mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
