If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
