he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
