My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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