i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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