sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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