I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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