i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
