There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
