Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
