some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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