walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
