Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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