How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
