sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
me + whiskey = a bad person
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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