My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
