I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
