Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
