They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
