Michael Bay diarrhea
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
