Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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