I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
