I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Farmville is her only friend.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
