I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
