at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
