Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
