Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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