still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
