Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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