Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Randomize
