ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
