My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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