Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
