go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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