is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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