I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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