It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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