I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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