Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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