Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
