I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
