he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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