i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
