Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize