Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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