Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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