I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
