dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Randomize
