I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
