Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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