tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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