The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
