I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
