Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
