at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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