So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
