I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
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