Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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