i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
