If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
