Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
