can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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